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Advice for parents and carers
The following pages are based on a booklet originally produced in colla-
boration with Family Rights Group, a British advice line service. The text
summarises the research findings as a narrative and includes comments and
observations from family members who have been through the reunification
process.
There is no hiding the fact that being parted from a child is an unhappy
experience. Even if you think it is for the best, or you have resigned yourself
to accepting someone else s advice, the reality of parting is likely to be
difficult to come to terms with. Goodbyes are often said in fraught
circumstances, particularly if the separation goes against your wishes. Even
if
you understand why it has happened, you will not be the first to have been
distressed by how a child left home in tears or blank silence. . And, just
as
likely, you will feel abandoned: your child s needs may have been carefully
attended to but what about your own? ? Whatever the circumstances, if your
memories of the separation are bad, you may feel reluctant to co-operate with
social services or to have much to do with the plans being made for your child.
You may find the whole business so painful that you want to withdraw from
your child s life altogether for a time. It is a natural reaction, but there
are still
things you can do to help.
The great majority of children looked after by social services eventually
return
home. The English research reported here found it was as many as nine out of
ten: three out of four were back before six months had elapsed many within
a matter of just a few days. Of those away after six months, two out of five
returned in the following 18 months, and of those still separated at two years
one in three went home before five years was up. True, the likelihood of return
is greatest during the first three months and there is reason to worry if
relationships are left to decay; nevertheless, the odds for return stay
surprisingly constant, even for difficult adolescents long away. However badly
you feel about what is happening, by your own actions you can make it more
likely that your child will come home and that things will work out well.
However hard you may have found it to be parted from your child or how angry
you feel, it is vital that you and social services find a way of working together.
It does not mean the responsibility for making a success of things is all yours:
social workers want children to come home to their families, too. They know
that if the time away is used well, families will not feel cast adrift, and that it
will improve the chances of a swift and lasting reunion. If there are other
problems at home, try to find someone who will listen and might be willing to
help. If no one comes to mind, check the local phone book for a family centre or
an advice hotline or ask your social worker who you might talk to. You may
have the right to attend planning and review meetings and Child Protection
Conferences: don t waste the chance to be heard ( an interpreter can very likely
be found for you if it is known that you need one) . If you feel nervous, take a
friend along to keep a note of what is said, or ask permission to make a tape
recording. It is difficult for anyone feeling nervous to remember everything
that happens at a meeting.
The important thing is to show that you are determined not to let your
relationship with your child break down. The same goes for the other members
of the family: the professionals have a duty to consult them, too; if they
are
able to visit, phone or write, it will show that there are others who care
and
reunion will become more likely. If the relationship between you and your child
is strong, there is a much greater chance that he or she will return home
quickly. People in social work understand that family life does not have to
be
easy or particularly comfortable for relationships to be strong. Always seek
advice if you do not agree with what social services say. A few circumstances
are always likely to prolong separation: for example, when children are known
to have been seriously abused or neglected by their parents, or when
information comes to light while children are away about a possible risk
of
abuse or neglect. So, if you stand in the way of social services when they
ask
for access to your child or the rest of your family, or whenever they seek
your
co-operation, they may start to think you aren t ready to have your child back.
If you feel unable to do what is being asked of you, you will need to find
support for your point of view.
It helps children to settle if they can pick up the thread of the life they
were
leading at home before they went away. They need to feel in touch with old
friends, that they still have a role in the family and that there is a corner
in
the home perhaps just a bed and a few prized belongings they can call
theirs.
It is important to children that the different parts of their life seem to
add up
to a continuous story. It helps if they take some favourite possessions with
them wherever they go toys, , photographs, tapes and CDs perhaps. Then
there are the roles everyone plays in the soap opera of home life, such as
lay-
ing the table, feeding the cat or answering the phone, which children coming
home need to feel able to resume. After a short absence this may not be too
hard to make happen, but children gone longer will have grown up: they will
want to feel they belong, but they can t be expected to play quite the same
part as before. They will need time to adjust and you can help by thinking
of
different things they might do to maintain a role. You won t get the balance
right straight away so keep trying!
A successful return will take time. There are five or six quite distinct stages
in the process, rather like episodes in a television serial. The stories
researchers are told about them are always different, but usually there are
common threads...
Getting ready
Children often visit at weekends before they come to stay
permanently. It helps if these visits go well, but you should not
mistake them for the real thing. Social services may have said
your child can come home, but may have left the actual date
rather vague. Try to persuade the social worker to give you a
firm date so that you can make plans. It doesn t help anyone if
it seems that to return home is just to drift back aimlessly.
It is quite common for families, children, foster carers and
social workers to become anxious as the going home day draws
near. For parents,
a child s homecoming often means extra
responsibility and expense. Social workers worry that some-
thing may go wrong and that doubt may then be cast on their
professional judgement. Foster carers who are being asked to
part from a child may feel distressed. Children will want to
come home, but there will be things they will be sad to leave
behind.
what carers and families say
I know it s awful but we ve got used to him being
away and enjoy his coming home for short stays.
The thought of having him back for good worried
us: all the noise, washing, cost, getting him up for
school. We couldn t sleep all night worrying about
what to do and could we cope.
I remember exactly how I felt. I've only ever felt
like it once before. My father died one March
when we were young and everyone was very kind.
They said everything would be all right and we d
got the light nights to look forward to! But I
remember, after the funeral, everyone just went.
Me and my sisters and my mother were left sit-
ting there to face everything with no money or
anything. That s what it was like when I heard
they wanted Christopher to come home; I was
suddenly frightened and felt I'm on my own.
The big day
More tears will probably be shed at the moment of reunion than
on the day of parting. Some harsh feelings are likely to have
been hovering in the background of family life throughout a
child s absence: parents may feel guilty; children may feel they
have been let down; high hopes, such as it will be so much
better now may be unrealistic. . But, just as it helps to have a
definite day for the homecoming, it is a good idea to have a
small celebration to mark the occasion.
For a homecoming to be successful, things don t have to go
exactly to plan, but it is important to get the pace right. If you
feel that too much is being demanded of you too soon, tell your
social worker. It is perfectly reasonable to want time to adjust,
but if you seem to falter but do not say why, you may give the
impression that you don t want your child home after all.
Children who have been long away frequently come home to a
changed family; if there are new step-parents or children in the
household, it will be a difficult time for them as well. They may
feel like strangers; they may not be in the right frame of mind
to make friends. Everyone needs time to settle.
what carers and families say
I had this idea it would be like something out of
the movies with violins and everybody happy
and we wanted to make a fuss but it wasn t really
like that. It was all a bit empty really, I can t
explain it to you.
It all came flooding back to me. I didn t know what
set me off. I was nervous and I opened the door
and he was standing there in his school uniform
looking all smart and I thought, I should never
have let him go, what was I thinking of, letting
him go; and I thought never again, you re never
going to leave me again. And I was crying my
heart out and holding him tight; I don t think he
knew what was happening but he was a bit tearful
too. It was supposed to be a happy moment and it
was really, but I was in a terrible state.
I felt all this love brimming up but I couldn t say
anything. I had a list of things I wanted to say
about how it was partly me that had done wrong
in the past and how I was going to make a fresh
start, but when he came in I was sort of
speechless. And he didn t seem to notice me at all
and after ten minutes I lost my temper and told
him off because he hadn't wiped his feet.
Home sweet home
When children come home, there is likely to be a period when
everyone is on best behaviour, full of the moment, trying hard
to make the reunion a success. For as long as it lasts, a few
hours or several months, behaviour which would normally
irritate will seem tolerable. Children will often be more helpful;
parents will be more easy-going and generous with their time;
brothers and sisters will be unusually pleasant to each other.
It will not stay this way for ever!
what carers and families say
It was all very nice and I tried to be as nice as I
could. But if I m really honest with you I d have to
say really I felt a bit pushed out. You see, before it
was our house, me and the wife, but suddenly on
that day I felt I was in somebody else s home
again.
It s like the birth it s marvellous when it s over
and in the hospital but when you re home and it s
feeding and changing nappies all day and all
night it suddenly hits you.
Before I went away I used to like sitting by myself
and reading, not bothering nobody. And this used
to drive her ( his mother) mad she couldn t stand
it. Then this week, same again I m reading and
she s sitting across the room and she says You ve
got so much patience . It was embarrassing really
but I was amazed it was the first time she d said
anything nice to me.
The argument
Episode 3 will probably come to an end with an argument.
Usually it will be started by something quite trivial, to do with
territory ( somebody going into somebody else s room or using
their belongings without asking) or with role ( doing something
someone else thinks they should do, or refusing to do
something) . The explosion will usually bring to the surface
much deeper problems to do with the pain of being separated,
and in the heat of the moment hurtful things may be said. But
the perfect reunion is always a fantasy. Things are much less
likely to work out well if hurt feelings are kept bottled up.
Well it started with Karen wanting to come with
me to the disco; she d been with me three times
since she was back and I was beginning to hope I
could go by myself for a change. We had a bit of a
to-do about it; then I says she can please herself.
Then she said she wasn t coming cos I showed her
up; she was calling me a slag trying to get off with
men at the disco. And next thing I m telling her
she s a fucking bitch for making that accusation
against her dad and she s saying, you should
have believed me why did you let me go? ? and
before you know we re throwing things at each
other and she buggers off. I didn t see her for two
days; God knows where she got to.
Working things out
If, as usually happens, Episode 4 has had the effect of clearing
the air, you should by now be able to begin to adjust to a new
pattern of family life rooted in the ordinary world of good days
and bad days, excitements and scares. Social services will
probably be less involved by this stage and may not seem to be
offering you very much in the way of support partly because
they will want to feel that the reunion is succeeding without
them. Do not be afraid to ask if you need help.
what carers and families say
You cannot go back. You cannot turn the clock
back. When I look back and see what I allowed to
happen I still wince; I think Oh no . But it s done,
and over the last six months we ve got over some
of the problems No, , I wouldn t say we ve talked
properly but it s come up now and then. I tell him
about how things got too much for me and he
tells me about how he loved the children s home
or hated the foster home. It s not a cure but it cer-
tainly helps.
Well, I wouldn t like to go through all that again
and it was hell at the time. I d even go as far as
saying it was worse than the day he went away.
You saw what was happening to us; all the rows
and things. But I can see that there was a point to
it all: we cleared a lot of stuff out of the way, we
know where we stand with each other, and I know
it will never be the same again but we know at
least, and I think ( the social worker) agrees, that
we all belong together, back here together.
Living together
Is it possible to judge the quality of family life? Probably not,
but social workers are bound to try to do something of the
sort. They may wish to ask three kinds of question. Firstly: do
you and your children share a sense of belonging? do you care
for each other? Secondly there are more everyday
considerations: are you able to meet your children s needs by
seeing them safely to school and looking after their health?
Thirdly, your family s ability to cope at the simplest practical
level, including financially, has to be taken into account. In
general:
be prepared for the anxieties that are part of getting
back together and for the arguments that are certain to
follow reassure yourself and everyone in your family that
friction need not spoil a successful reunion; it is a part of
every healthy relationship try to discuss your fears with
your social worker and encourage her or him to take the
needs of all the members of your family into account when
making plans try to find others to talk to who may have had
similar experiences.